The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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