I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
