so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
