When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
