The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
