i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
