I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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