i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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