Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
