I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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