My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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