I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The beer is more important than you right now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
