So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
