Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize