If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
