you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We just shotgunned beers for America
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It's blow job season.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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