this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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