If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
