Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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