you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
