It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
