What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
