unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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