Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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