I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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