last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
