true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
