I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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