Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
