found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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