How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
