Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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