I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
