worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
