Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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