We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
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We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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