we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
