Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
