I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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