i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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