I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize