well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I need moral support for this bender
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
