I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I had to cum in my sink.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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