Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
