News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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