How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
