i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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