Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
