We won't sleep together?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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