So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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