Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
well you can't waste a boner
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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