I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
