You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
