His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize