halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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