You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
