You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize