Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
