I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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