i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Randomize
