every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
